People have too much time on their hands.

When I started this blog I intended to write more about my experiences with miscarriage and depression.  I didn’t though, because I worried that people would just roll their eyes because I was “still” talking about it.  It wasn’t all about the miscarriage.  I have been dealing with depression for a number of years, and found myself starting to fall apart again a few months before I got pregnant.  The pregnancy buoyed me, and when it ended, it just compounded the depression that was already there.

Because I didn’t want to ‘bore’ people, I have talked and continue to talk about other things.  Does that mean I don’t still struggle with depression?  No.  A blog is a small distraction.  Because I have chosen to speak more about things that have made me happy or that I have enjoyed instead of focusing on the sadness, which I do enough outside of my blog, people assume I am just fine and dandy.  How can I be so ‘ill’ yet go on a trip somewhere, and good gracious if I post pictures along the way and let people know I’m feeling good for a change.  Because I am depressed, that is apparently not allowed.  I cannot go visit family who live in other parts of the country and enjoy my time with them.  I cannot be any degree of happy at Christmas, and there is no way I may go on a vacation at any time of the year, because I am not allowed a change of scenery even though I may spend days on end in my house with the blinds drawn, speaking to no one but my husband when he calls from working up north, and leaving only when absolutely necessary.  If I am having a good day, I better not go outside and engage in a hobby for a little while, taking pictures and posting them, because that is not allowed either.  For those of you who have nothing better to do with your time than take notes about anything I might say or change on my blog or on Facebook and gossip about me, would you rather I discuss in detail the weekly sessions with my psychologist, which have been ongoing for months, or the fact that I have been referred to a psychiatrist?  Do you need to know what medications I’m on, and at what dose?  Should I keep track of the nights I cannot sleep and post them weekly for you to review, or provide you with a list of friends I have not seen or spoken to in a year and have likely lost because of how much I have withdrawn?  Heaven forbid I take advantage of any gains I've made with treatment and be daft enough to make postings when I'm having a better day.  I guess I didn’t get the handbook that explains what you can and cannot do when you are depressed. 

I realize participating in any social networking site or blog is inviting people into my life and that I am opening myself to their opinions, assumptions, and judgments of anything I do, say, post, add or delete; I’m not stupid enough to think I’m not.  But to those of you apparently questioning the authenticity of my illness and with nothing better to do with your time than talk about me behind my back, GET A LIFE.