I don’t know who I am anymore.

I don’t know who I’m supposed to be, I don’t even know who I used to be.  I haven’t been that person in years. 

Depression has changed who I was, who I am.  It’s changed my relationships, my outlook, my life. Who I am mentally and physically.  It has robbed me of opportunities and changed the path upon which I walk.

Supports are there, yet the more I reveal, the more I feel scrutinized and judged.  Criticism, anger and resentment lurk in the shadows until they can no longer be contained.  When they strike, they tear me down.  Words turn to poison that lingers for days, destroying more of the me that I once was.  I am a smaller person.  My defenses have weakened, my armor dented and crumbling at my feet.  I have not an army to wage the war within, while shielding me from the arrows of afar. 

The days pass, until only a trace of poison remains.  On I go, spending the new days waiting for the night so I may retreat to the comfort of dark silence, for a few hours at least.

Yet a beacon of light remains, unscathed I can only hope.That little light that shines on to help me find the way out, to reach for when there seems nothing else to hold on to.



Facing another night of staring at the ceiling.

No luck falling asleep.  Again.  Too much on my mind.  Thinking about the crocheting I should be further ahead on, feeling sorry for myself and a little left behind as life buzzes on around me, beating myself up for have becoming such a needy and insecure person at this point in my life. I realized that I've actually been feeling somewhat abandoned lately...relatives have been taking well deserved holidays, husband has been crazy busy at work and has been, and will be, away from home a little extra with side projects, including our upcoming long weekend when he'll be in the mountains and I'll be stuck back here.  Not that it's a holiday for him, he'll be working.  Knowing I still have supports available, but just feeling like that availability is decreasing as life goes on for everyone around me as I sit and wallow in my own mud.

Of course my brain knows that I should just leave it all be, can't do anything about any of it in the middle of the night, but my heart is feeling wounded and making me ruminate about it all.

Some nights when I'm feeling like this I think about my little boy cuddled up and snoozing away in the room next door, and wish he had a bigger bed so I could sneak in beside him and soak in all that is good about the innocence, happy and carefree life of a child. Even if I could, I'd probably wind up in some incredibly precarious and uncomfortable position involving feet poking into my ribs and my butt hanging over the edge of the bed.  So perhaps when I'm ready to give sleep another go, I'll just try to push all of the chatter out of my head and think of him wrapped in blankies, visiting dreamland.


And I'm back...again.

It's been over a year since my last post, and likely nearly as long since I've even visited my own blog.  But I'm still here, crocheting here and there, compiling list upon list of things I'd like to make in my head, running around with my little boy, and trying to stay healthy.

After a big burst of crocheting last spring and participating in what turned out to be a poorly attended tradeshow, I put my hooks down for a few months.  I picked them up come fall, and made a few birthday and Christmas presents.  My old struggle with depression reared its head.

Then came 2013.  A new year, time for new beginnings. 

The year did not start off with a bang.  My grandmother passed away after a short battle with cancer and 2 strokes.  I wasn't feeling well.  After months of feeling crazy-tired and battling worsening depression, I finally went to the doctor.  Blood tests led to a thyroid ultrasound, which led to a thyroid biopsy in February, which led to a diagnosis of cancer.  A visit to the surgeon and another ultrasound showed cancer in the lymph nodes as well.  In May I underwent a total thyroidectomy and bilateral neck dissection, a procedure that lasted over 8 hours.  After a few days in the hospital, I was sent home with 4 drains in place below my collar bones, some bruises, blisters, and an incision across my neck, from ear to ear. 

And now here I am, just over 2 months since surgery. Drains are long gone, incision is healing nicely, my neck mobility is improved.  In a couple of days I head to a cancer institute to find out about my upcoming radioactive iodine treatment and full body scan.  Then, hopefully, I will be given an offical "all clear" and can declare myself cancer free.  As for the depression, well, that's still being worked on.  A change in medications before my surgery had me feeling much improved, probably the best I'd felt in an entire year.  Unfortunately that was short lived, and I've been struggling with it more since surgery. 

I won't go into tons of detail about any of it now, although I likely will at least talk about my cancer and treatment experiences more in the event it can help someone else. Some days when I'm having a rough time emotionally, I might stop by to unburden myself.  It might help me, it might help someone else.

But for now, it's getting late, my shoulders are tired from typing (surgery related, of course), and I am ready to hit the sack.  I've been thinking about getting back to writing here for a few weeks, so once the kiddo was up to bed tonight, I thought it'd be time to sort through some photos and pop in to say hi. 

To see some of the things I've crocheted over the past few months, click here.  The pictures aren't the best, thanks to my habit of only having my phone handy instead of my camera.  But they'll do the job for now. 

A good note to end the post...we adopted a cat in February.  Meet Sally.

Thanks for stopping by.



Welcome back!

Many a moon has passed since I've spent much time here, and its time to dust off the keyboard and get back to it!  As one might guess, as my baby turned into a toddler, more of my time has been spent running around after him and keeping him entertained than keeping my blog on track. I'm hoping to start to get back to a more regular schedule of crocheting, crafting & writing, and am going to jump right in with my first crochet sale in a few years.  I'll be at the Mother Knows Best shopping event on Saturday, April 28 from 10 am to 4 pm pm at the Mayfield Inn & Suites in Edmonton.  Please check out my photos of some of the items that will be available by clicking here!  If you are interested in any items but are unable to attend the sale, please contact me and we can discuss our options! Thank you. :)


Someday I have to do this with my kid :)

A cute video I found on the net...