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I don’t know who I am anymore.

I don’t know who I’m supposed to be, I don’t even know who I used to be.  I haven’t been that person in years. 

Depression has changed who I was, who I am.  It’s changed my relationships, my outlook, my life. Who I am mentally and physically.  It has robbed me of opportunities and changed the path upon which I walk.

Supports are there, yet the more I reveal, the more I feel scrutinized and judged.  Criticism, anger and resentment lurk in the shadows until they can no longer be contained.  When they strike, they tear me down.  Words turn to poison that lingers for days, destroying more of the me that I once was.  I am a smaller person.  My defenses have weakened, my armor dented and crumbling at my feet.  I have not an army to wage the war within, while shielding me from the arrows of afar. 

The days pass, until only a trace of poison remains.  On I go, spending the new days waiting for the night so I may retreat to the comfort of dark silence, for a few hours at least.

Yet a beacon of light remains, unscathed I can only hope.That little light that shines on to help me find the way out, to reach for when there seems nothing else to hold on to.


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Reader Comments (2)

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. But understand that it will get better if you let it. I went through a very dark period after my husband left and it took me years to get through it. I still have periods of feeling low, but I recognized what was happening and sought out help. There is help available if you only allow yourself to get it.

March 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnn

Thanks for your kind words, Ann. I am getting help, and trying to work on making some changes to make things better. A hard road, but definitely not travelled alone.

March 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCharlotte

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